I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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