she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
