i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You were trust falling into bushes
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
