Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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