There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
