One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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