is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
