Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
