you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
