Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
