You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
