I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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