he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
