Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
