i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
