I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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