i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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