I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I love having hate sex.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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