Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
