I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
