sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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