Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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