I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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