Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
