either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
