Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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