The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
