is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
