god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
