If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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