textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
