I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
