You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
