i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
