did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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