I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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