I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
