Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
