my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
