420 ftw
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
