Tell her she can't have a vagina
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
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