when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
