I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
