Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
