You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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