In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
