Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
