Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize