Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
