I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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