if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
