She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
