my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
