I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize