I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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