i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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