I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize